Monday, July 31, 2006

Meet the Bennets

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

"Oh, Mr. Bennet, have you heard? There is a ridiculously rich man moving in just next door! We must snatch him up for one of our dear girls before any of the other nasty neighbors can get him."

"Anything you say darling." (Goes back to reading book.)

Jane (on right): "Oh Lizzy, do you think he will choose me?"
Lizzy: "How could he not? You are, after all, the most reputed beauty in the county. Even though we look exactly the same."

Lydia (on the left): Of course he shall have me, for even though I am the youngest, I am the tallest (and I have the prettiest dress)"
Kitty: "Cough, cough"

Mary: "No boys for me! I don't care how rich they are. Riches are nothing compared from the wisdom I get from playing my little guitar thing that I got when my sisters chopped up the piano! And my books of course."

The First Ball

Look at everyone dancing. How nice.

Here come the Bennets, all looking very fine this evening, don't you think?

Lydia: "Aren't I a cute little flirt? I wonder if any taller boys will show up. It's a bit of a drag dancing with people who only come up to my skirt."

A hush falls over the room, followed by descreet whispers. "Who are those fine-looking people? Could they be the rich Mr. Bingly and his friends?" Indeed they are: Mr. Bingly is here and he has brought his sister, Miss Caroline Bingly, and his very handsome, light-saber-bearing, extremely rich friend, Mr. Darcy.

Look at everyone dancing. The joy! But wait, where is the fine Mr. Darcy?

Mr. Bingly: "Darcy, I must have you dance. You are making a fool of all of us!"
Darcy: "You are dancing with the only pretty girl in the room. Who am I to dance with while still feeding my oversized ego?"
Bingly: "Well look, there, next to you. There is Jane's sister Elizabeth. She is quite lovely as well."
Darcy: "Sure, sure, quite lovely. I am afraid she is not nearly handsome enough to tempt me. Go to your lovely lady and enjoy her smiles."

Lizzy: *giggle, giggle* "Can you believe he said that to me?" *giggle* "I shall now have to loathe him for all eternity."

At the Lucases

Mrs. Bennet: "Isn't it nice of the Lucases to invite us all over? And look, *Mr. Bingly* is here. See, he's already talking to Jane. That's a match for sure."
Mr. Bennet: "Anything you say dear."

Jane: "What a nice trophy you have there!"
Bingly: "Why thank you. Carriage racing, you know. I'm so attached to it, I can't seem to put it down."

Darcy: "Miss Bennet, may I have the honor of the next dance?"
Elizabeth: "Um, no, I think not."
Darcy: "But why? I am tall, dark and handsome and I have a light saber!"
Elizabeth: "Uh, exactly."

Miss Bingly: "I know what you're thinking."
Mr. Darcy: "No you don't."
Miss Bingly: "Yes I do."
Mr. Darcy: "No you don't."
Miss Bingly: "Okay, I don't. What are you thinking?"
Mr. Darcy: "I'm thinking about pretty eyes."
Miss Bingly: (fluttering her eyelids) "Whose?"
Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth Bennet."
Miss Bingly: "But... she doesn't even have any eyes!"

Jane Visits the Bingleys

Yum, this is good food. Listen, there is a knock at the door!

"Message for Miss Jane Bennet."

Mrs. Bennet: "Who is it from, dear?"
Jane: "It is from Miss Bingley. She wishes me to dine with them tonight. May I go Mother and Father dearest?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Of course you may go!"
Jane: "Father, may I take the carriage?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Of course not! You must go on horseback, for it looks like rain and then you shall have to stay the night! Right Mr. Bennet?"
Mr. Bennet: "Whatever you say, dear."

"Yankee Doodle went to town a riding on a pony..." (It's raining, by the way. It's invisible rain.)

Miss Bingley: "Welcome, Jane dear! How are you today?"
Jane: (a little woozy) "I uh... I don't feel very well."

Jane: *faints*

Elizabeth Visits Jane

Elizabeth: "Jane is ill! I must go to her!"

Elizabeth: "Mud! Bah! Ah well, I hear it's good for the skin."

Miss Bingley: (under her breath to Darcy) "My goodness, look at all that mud!" (to Elizabeth) "Welcome Miss Bennet! Your sister will be so pleased to see you."

Miss Bingley: "I say, Mr. Darcy, that the way she comes trouncing in here covered in mud must certainly have an affect on your opinion of her 'fine eyes'?"
Mr. Darcy: "Not at all. I find them brightened by the exercise."
Miss Bingley: "Humph."

Elizabeth: "Jane! Jane, are you dead?"
Jane: "Of course not! I'm just going for the damsel in distress thing. Bingley can't resist this!"

Miss Bingley: "You write uncommonly fast Mr. Darcy."
Mr. Darcy: "Of course I do, I have a light saber! Get out of my way."

Elizabeth: "So, Mr. Darcy, tell me your faults."
Mr. Darcy: "My good opinion once lost is lost forever. Plus, I tend to destroy things with my light saber when I'm not paying attention."
Elizabeth: "Not pride?"
Mr. Darcy: "Certainly not."
Elizabeth: "Oh."

Miss Bingley: "Elizabeth, come take a turn about the room with me."
Elizabeth: "Why?"
Miss Bingley: "So Mr. Darcy can look at us, of course!"
Elizabeth: "Oh."
Miss Bingley: "How is dear Jane doing?"
Elizabeth: "She is much better, thank you."
Miss Bingley: "Oh good, I guess that means you can leave now. I want Darcy to myself."
Elizabeth: "Er, ok."

Enter: Mr. Collins

Mr. Bennet: "I think we shall have a guest at dinner tonight, my dear."
Mrs. Bennet: "Really, my dear? Is he rich? Is he single?"
Mr. Bennet: "Single he is, and he is to inherit my entire estate."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Mr. Bennet! The world is so unfair! Why must your estate be entailed away from us poor females? Oh woe is us!"
Mr. Bennet: "Whatever you say, dear."

Mr. Collins: "Hello most esteemed relations. I have come to marry one of your daughters and rescue you from desolation when poor Mr. Bennet kicks the bucket."
Jane: "How, er, nice of you, Mr. Collins"
Mr. Collins (thinking): She likes me! I shall marry her.

Mr. Collins: "Mrs. Bennet, I've decided to marry Jane."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Mr. Collins, that is quite generous of you, but I am afriad that Jane is likely to be very soon engaged."
Mr. Collins: "Oh."

Mrs. Bennet: "My Lizzy, however, is quite unattached."
Mr. Collins: "Okay, I'll take her then."
Mrs. Bennet: "Have at it, Mr. Collins."

Enter: Mr. Wickham

Lydia: "Kitty, would you like to go to Meryton with me to buy a new bonnet?"
Kitty: "Why of course! Sisters, would you like to come?"
Jane: "Alright."
Elizabeth: "Sure."
Mary: "Fine."
Mr. Collins: "You fine ladies must allow me to accompany you. My worthy patroness, the great Lady Catherine De Bourgh, would never approve of lovely ladies walking to town alone."
Lydia: "Whatever."

Mr. Collins: "Dear cousin Elizabeth, do walk with me. We have so much to discuss!"
Elizabeth: "Oh yes, Mr. Collins, for our interests are so similar in every respect." (Inwardly rolls eyes, as her lack of facial features prevents her from doing so outwardly.)

Lydia: "Look, officers! But who is that fine, tall fellow? I don't remember him."
Kitty: "There's Denny, perhaps he will introduce us."

Mr. Wickham: "It is a pleasure to meet all of you. I would never have imagined such a small town would have such lovely ladies."
Elizabeth: "Jane, look! There are Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy. I think they are coming over to greet us! To greet you, I mean. Mr. Bingley wants to see you. I certainly don't care to see Mr. Darcy."

Elizabeth observes Mr. Wickham suddenly looking very pale and Mr. Darcy becoming very angry. Darcy walks away quickly.

Elizabeth: "Do you know Mr. Darcy, Mr. Wickham?"
Mr. Wickham: "Unfortunately, I do. He is a most disagreeable sort of man."
Elizabeth: "That is what everyone here thinks as well. What makes you say so?"
Mr. Wickham: "Darcy and I were boys together. My father was his father's steward. When my father died, his father took me in as if I were his own son. He had intended me for the church and left me a valuable living when he died. But when I went to claim the living, Darcy denied me flat out. I have despised him ever since. But for him I might have been living a comfortable life instead of crawling through life as an officer."
Elizabeth: "You poor man! How horrid that Mr. Darcy is!"

Lydia: "Mr. Wickham, are you coming to the Netherfield ball? All the officers and everyone in town will be there. You simply must come!"
Elizabeth: "A certain other gentleman will be there as well. That will not deter you, will it?"
Wickham: "Certainly not. If he wishes to avoid me, it is Mr. Darcy who must leave, not me."
Elizbeth: "Good."

The Netherfield Ball

Mr. Bingley: "Welcome to my ball! I'm glad you are here. Have fun. Yay."
Elizabeth (to Jane): "Do you see Mr. Wickham?"

Denny: "Miss Elizabeth, I have a message for you. Mr. Wickham was unfortunately called suddenly to town on urgent business and will be unable to make it this evening. Although (*under his breath*) I'm sure it would not be quite so urgent if he did not wish to avoid a certain *other* gentleman.
Elizabeth is dismayed.

Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth, may I have the honor of the next dance with you? I will even put down my light saber."
Elizabeth: "I, um, okay." Thinks: "Why in the world did I agree to that?"

Elizabeth: "I thought you were going to put the light saber down."
Mr. Darcy: "It seems to be molded into my hand. I promise to be careful, though."
Elizabeth: "Right."
Uncomfortable pause
Elizabeth: "So, uh, I said something, now you say something."
Darcy: "What should I say?"
Elizabeth: "Whatever you want."
Darcy: "What if I don't want to?"
Elizabeth: "Then don't, I guess. My goodness you are confusing."

Mrs. Bennet (loudly): "Yes, it is going to be a very good match! And not only for Jane. Her marriage will put my girls in the paths of *other* rich men!"
Elizabeth is embarrassed.

Mary (singing loudly and very badly): "Would you like to swing on a staaaaaaar, carry moonbeams home in a jaaaaaaar..."
Elizabeth is distressed.

Mr. Collins: "It is my wish, cousin Elizabeth, to remain with you the rest of the evening."
Elizabeth is disgusted.

Mr. Bingley: "Jane, you are so good."
Jane: "No, Mr. Bingley, YOU are good."
Bingley: "Surely, Jane, only you are good."
Jane: "You are certainly more good than me."

Elizbeth: "Oh! It seems to be everyone's dearest wish to humiliate me this evening! At least Jane is having a good time."

Everyone: "AHHHHHHHHH!"
Bingley: "Does this mean the ball is over?"