Meet the Bennets

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.


"Oh, Mr. Bennet, have you heard? There is a ridiculously rich man moving in just next door! We must snatch him up for one of our dear girls before any of the other nasty neighbors can get him."


"Anything you say darling." (Goes back to reading book.)


Jane (on right): "Oh Lizzy, do you think he will choose me?"
Lizzy: "How could he not? You are, after all, the most reputed beauty in the county. Even though we look exactly the same."


Lydia (on the left): Of course he shall have me, for even though I am the youngest, I am the tallest (and I have the prettiest dress)"
Kitty: "Cough, cough"


Mary: "No boys for me! I don't care how rich they are. Riches are nothing compared from the wisdom I get from playing my little guitar thing that I got when my sisters chopped up the piano! And my books of course."

The First Ball

Look at everyone dancing. How nice.


Here come the Bennets, all looking very fine this evening, don't you think?


Lydia: "Aren't I a cute little flirt? I wonder if any taller boys will show up. It's a bit of a drag dancing with people who only come up to my skirt."


A hush falls over the room, followed by descreet whispers. "Who are those fine-looking people? Could they be the rich Mr. Bingly and his friends?" Indeed they are: Mr. Bingly is here and he has brought his sister, Miss Caroline Bingly, and his very handsome, light-saber-bearing, extremely rich friend, Mr. Darcy.


Look at everyone dancing. The joy! But wait, where is the fine Mr. Darcy?


Mr. Bingly: "Darcy, I must have you dance. You are making a fool of all of us!"
Darcy: "You are dancing with the only pretty girl in the room. Who am I to dance with while still feeding my oversized ego?"
Bingly: "Well look, there, next to you. There is Jane's sister Elizabeth. She is quite lovely as well."
Darcy: "Sure, sure, quite lovely. I am afraid she is not nearly handsome enough to tempt me. Go to your lovely lady and enjoy her smiles."


Lizzy: *giggle, giggle* "Can you believe he said that to me?" *giggle* "I shall now have to loathe him for all eternity."

At the Lucases

Mrs. Bennet: "Isn't it nice of the Lucases to invite us all over? And look, *Mr. Bingly* is here. See, he's already talking to Jane. That's a match for sure."
Mr. Bennet: "Anything you say dear."


Jane: "What a nice trophy you have there!"
Bingly: "Why thank you. Carriage racing, you know. I'm so attached to it, I can't seem to put it down."


Darcy: "Miss Bennet, may I have the honor of the next dance?"
Elizabeth: "Um, no, I think not."
Darcy: "But why? I am tall, dark and handsome and I have a light saber!"
Elizabeth: "Uh, exactly."


Miss Bingly: "I know what you're thinking."
Mr. Darcy: "No you don't."
Miss Bingly: "Yes I do."
Mr. Darcy: "No you don't."
Miss Bingly: "Okay, I don't. What are you thinking?"
Mr. Darcy: "I'm thinking about pretty eyes."
Miss Bingly: (fluttering her eyelids) "Whose?"
Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth Bennet."
Miss Bingly: "But... she doesn't even have any eyes!"

Jane Visits the Bingleys

Yum, this is good food. Listen, there is a knock at the door!


"Message for Miss Jane Bennet."


Mrs. Bennet: "Who is it from, dear?"
Jane: "It is from Miss Bingley. She wishes me to dine with them tonight. May I go Mother and Father dearest?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Of course you may go!"
Jane: "Father, may I take the carriage?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Of course not! You must go on horseback, for it looks like rain and then you shall have to stay the night! Right Mr. Bennet?"
Mr. Bennet: "Whatever you say, dear."


"Yankee Doodle went to town a riding on a pony..." (It's raining, by the way. It's invisible rain.)


Miss Bingley: "Welcome, Jane dear! How are you today?"
Jane: (a little woozy) "I uh... I don't feel very well."


Jane: *faints*

Elizabeth Visits Jane

Elizabeth: "Jane is ill! I must go to her!"


Elizabeth: "Mud! Bah! Ah well, I hear it's good for the skin."


Miss Bingley: (under her breath to Darcy) "My goodness, look at all that mud!" (to Elizabeth) "Welcome Miss Bennet! Your sister will be so pleased to see you."


Miss Bingley: "I say, Mr. Darcy, that the way she comes trouncing in here covered in mud must certainly have an affect on your opinion of her 'fine eyes'?"
Mr. Darcy: "Not at all. I find them brightened by the exercise."
Miss Bingley: "Humph."


Elizabeth: "Jane! Jane, are you dead?"
Jane: "Of course not! I'm just going for the damsel in distress thing. Bingley can't resist this!"


Miss Bingley: "You write uncommonly fast Mr. Darcy."
Mr. Darcy: "Of course I do, I have a light saber! Get out of my way."


Elizabeth: "So, Mr. Darcy, tell me your faults."
Mr. Darcy: "My good opinion once lost is lost forever. Plus, I tend to destroy things with my light saber when I'm not paying attention."
Elizabeth: "Not pride?"
Mr. Darcy: "Certainly not."
Elizabeth: "Oh."


Miss Bingley: "Elizabeth, come take a turn about the room with me."
Elizabeth: "Why?"
Miss Bingley: "So Mr. Darcy can look at us, of course!"
Elizabeth: "Oh."
Miss Bingley: "How is dear Jane doing?"
Elizabeth: "She is much better, thank you."
Miss Bingley: "Oh good, I guess that means you can leave now. I want Darcy to myself."
Elizabeth: "Er, ok."

Enter: Mr. Collins

Mr. Bennet: "I think we shall have a guest at dinner tonight, my dear."
Mrs. Bennet: "Really, my dear? Is he rich? Is he single?"
Mr. Bennet: "Single he is, and he is to inherit my entire estate."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Mr. Bennet! The world is so unfair! Why must your estate be entailed away from us poor females? Oh woe is us!"
Mr. Bennet: "Whatever you say, dear."


Mr. Collins: "Hello most esteemed relations. I have come to marry one of your daughters and rescue you from desolation when poor Mr. Bennet kicks the bucket."
Jane: "How, er, nice of you, Mr. Collins"
Mr. Collins (thinking): She likes me! I shall marry her.


Mr. Collins: "Mrs. Bennet, I've decided to marry Jane."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Mr. Collins, that is quite generous of you, but I am afriad that Jane is likely to be very soon engaged."
Mr. Collins: "Oh."


Mrs. Bennet: "My Lizzy, however, is quite unattached."
Mr. Collins: "Okay, I'll take her then."
Mrs. Bennet: "Have at it, Mr. Collins."

Enter: Mr. Wickham

Lydia: "Kitty, would you like to go to Meryton with me to buy a new bonnet?"
Kitty: "Why of course! Sisters, would you like to come?"
Jane: "Alright."
Elizabeth: "Sure."
Mary: "Fine."
Mr. Collins: "You fine ladies must allow me to accompany you. My worthy patroness, the great Lady Catherine De Bourgh, would never approve of lovely ladies walking to town alone."
Lydia: "Whatever."


Mr. Collins: "Dear cousin Elizabeth, do walk with me. We have so much to discuss!"
Elizabeth: "Oh yes, Mr. Collins, for our interests are so similar in every respect." (Inwardly rolls eyes, as her lack of facial features prevents her from doing so outwardly.)


Lydia: "Look, officers! But who is that fine, tall fellow? I don't remember him."
Kitty: "There's Denny, perhaps he will introduce us."


Mr. Wickham: "It is a pleasure to meet all of you. I would never have imagined such a small town would have such lovely ladies."
Elizabeth: "Jane, look! There are Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy. I think they are coming over to greet us! To greet you, I mean. Mr. Bingley wants to see you. I certainly don't care to see Mr. Darcy."


Elizabeth observes Mr. Wickham suddenly looking very pale and Mr. Darcy becoming very angry. Darcy walks away quickly.


Elizabeth: "Do you know Mr. Darcy, Mr. Wickham?"
Mr. Wickham: "Unfortunately, I do. He is a most disagreeable sort of man."
Elizabeth: "That is what everyone here thinks as well. What makes you say so?"
Mr. Wickham: "Darcy and I were boys together. My father was his father's steward. When my father died, his father took me in as if I were his own son. He had intended me for the church and left me a valuable living when he died. But when I went to claim the living, Darcy denied me flat out. I have despised him ever since. But for him I might have been living a comfortable life instead of crawling through life as an officer."
Elizabeth: "You poor man! How horrid that Mr. Darcy is!"


Lydia: "Mr. Wickham, are you coming to the Netherfield ball? All the officers and everyone in town will be there. You simply must come!"
Elizabeth: "A certain other gentleman will be there as well. That will not deter you, will it?"
Wickham: "Certainly not. If he wishes to avoid me, it is Mr. Darcy who must leave, not me."
Elizbeth: "Good."

The Netherfield Ball

Mr. Bingley: "Welcome to my ball! I'm glad you are here. Have fun. Yay."
Elizabeth (to Jane): "Do you see Mr. Wickham?"


Denny: "Miss Elizabeth, I have a message for you. Mr. Wickham was unfortunately called suddenly to town on urgent business and will be unable to make it this evening. Although (*under his breath*) I'm sure it would not be quite so urgent if he did not wish to avoid a certain *other* gentleman.
Elizabeth is dismayed.


Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth, may I have the honor of the next dance with you? I will even put down my light saber."
Elizabeth: "I, um, okay." Thinks: "Why in the world did I agree to that?"


Elizabeth: "I thought you were going to put the light saber down."
Mr. Darcy: "It seems to be molded into my hand. I promise to be careful, though."
Elizabeth: "Right."
Uncomfortable pause
Elizabeth: "So, uh, I said something, now you say something."
Darcy: "What should I say?"
Elizabeth: "Whatever you want."
Darcy: "What if I don't want to?"
Elizabeth: "Then don't, I guess. My goodness you are confusing."


Mrs. Bennet (loudly): "Yes, it is going to be a very good match! And not only for Jane. Her marriage will put my girls in the paths of *other* rich men!"
Elizabeth is embarrassed.


Mary (singing loudly and very badly): "Would you like to swing on a staaaaaaar, carry moonbeams home in a jaaaaaaar..."
Elizabeth is distressed.


Mr. Collins: "It is my wish, cousin Elizabeth, to remain with you the rest of the evening."
Elizabeth is disgusted.


Mr. Bingley: "Jane, you are so good."
Jane: "No, Mr. Bingley, YOU are good."
Bingley: "Surely, Jane, only you are good."
Jane: "You are certainly more good than me."


Elizbeth: "Oh! It seems to be everyone's dearest wish to humiliate me this evening! At least Jane is having a good time."


Everyone: "AHHHHHHHHH!"
Bingley: "Does this mean the ball is over?"

Mr. Colins's Proposal

Mr. Collins: "I wonder if, in the course of the morning, I might have a private word with Miss Elizabeth."
Mrs. Bennet: "Why of COURSE you may! Everyone out. Now!"


Mr. Collins: "*ahem* Miss Elizabeth, I want you to know that from, uh, almost the start I picked you out as the object of my affections and my future wife.
Elizabeth: "Mr. Collins!"
Mr. Collins: "You are shocked by the violence of my affections. I understand. You need not speak."
Elizabeth: "But-"
Mr. Collins: "I have several fairly good reasons for marrying, but mostly because the esteemed Lady Catherine de Bourgh (*genuflect*) recommended that I do so. I have chosen your family because as a clergyman it is my duty to do good to others and I felt I could not be content with myself knowing that I was stealing your life out from under you when your father dies. And I chose *you* because your eldest sister was taken and your other sisters are weird. I know that we will be most happy in our life together-"
Elizabeth: "Mr. Collins! You forget I have given no answer! The answer I give is this: absolutely not. I cannot make you happy, you cannot make me happy, and together we would self-destruct!"
Mr. Collins: "Oh... I see."


Mrs. Bennet: "My dear Mr. Collins, I offer you my most sincere congratulations-"
Mr. Collins: "You are too hasty my good woman. It seems your daughter has refused me."
Mrs. Bennet: "Refused you! I don't understand! Mr. Bennet, you *must* go speak some sense into your daughter."
Mr. Bennet: "Anything you say, dear."


Mr. Bennet: "Lizzy, your mother says you must marry Mr. Collins. Isn't that right, my dear?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Yes, or I shall never see her again!"
Mr. Bennet: "My dear today you must become a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins... and I will never see you again if you do."
Elizabeth: "Oh thank you Papa!"

Stuff Happens

Elizabeth: "Jane, sweetie, what's wrong? I know you so well I can tell your upset, even though you don't have any facial features."
Jane: "It's Mr. Bingley. He has left Netherfield and his sister says he has no plans to return immediately. Oh, sister, what if he never comes back!"
Elizabeth: "I'm sure he will come back soon. How could he stay away from someone as absolutely perfect for him as you?"
Jane: "I hope you're right."
Elizabeth: "Of course I am."


Mrs. Bennet: "Mr. Bingley gone? Nonsense! He will be back in no time."
Elizabeth: "I'm afraid Jane is right, Mama. The Bingleys have no plans to return to Netherfield."
Mrs. Bennet: "Ooooh! It must be that wretched Mr. Darcy's fault!"


Mr. Collins: "Cousin Elizabeth! My dear cousins, please allow me to introduce you to the love of my life..."


Mr. Collins: "Mrs. Charlotte Lucas Collins!"
Elizabeth: "Charlotte?! Why-?"
Charlotte: "I was an old maid, Lizzy. And he would have me! Even with this hair, he says he loves me. You know it was the hair that scared off every other guy, Lizzy."
Elizabeth: "Yes, I guess you're right. Better you than me, after all."
*knock on the door*


Jane: "Aunt and Uncle Gardiner! What a lovely surprise!"
Elizabeth: "Aunt! What perfect timing. Jane, wouldn't you love to go to London?"
Mrs. Gardiner: "Yes, Jane, you must come and stay with us! And who knows, you may run into a certain *someone* there! *wink, wink*"


Elizabeth: "Oh woe is me. My best friend is married and my only sane sister has gone to London. I am all alone!"

Elizabeth Goes to Hunsford

Elizabeth: "Look at this! A letter from Charlotte? She wants me to come visit. It's so dull here. I'm on my way!"


Mr. Collins: "Cousin Elizabeth! I am so glad you have come. My dear Charlotte has been desolate without her friend."
Charlotte: "Yes Lizzy, I am very glad you are come. Here, I will show you where to leave you things."


Elizabeth: "So how are you really, dear Charlotte?"
Charlotte: "I find myself... quite content with my situation, Lizzy. I admit I encourage my husband to spend as much time as possible in his gardens and visiting his patroness. She has been very good."
Elizabeth (snorts): "Hm."
Charlotte: "I'm serious! He spends so much time and energy sucking up to her that he has no energy to talk to me when he gets home. We are quite happy this way."
Elizabeth: "MmHmm."
Charlotte: "Look, here he comes."


Mr. Collins: (rushing in breathless): "Charlotte, Cousin Elizabeth, she has- *catching his breath and regrouping* Lady Catherine de Bourgh has invited us to dine with her this evening in honor of our guest."
Charlotte (raising her eyebrows): "Such special attention? This is quite an honor Lizzy."
Elizabeth: "Hooray?"


Mr. Collins: "Is not Rosings the most beautiful house you have ever seen, Cousin Elizabeth? A single brick, nay, a signle crumb of a single brick of her chimney is worth more than eight thousand pounds."
Elizabeth: "That is quite amazing."
Mr. Collins: "Do not worry yourself about your appearance, Cousin. Lady Catherine likes the physical appearance of superiority on her part always apparent."
Elizabeth: "Then she need not worry on my part. Or yours. Cousin."


Lady Catherine: "So this is the fine Elizabeth Bennet. It is pleasant to make your aquaintance, Miss Bennet."
Elizabeth: "Thank you, your Ladyship, it is a pleasure to meet you as well."
Lady Catherine: "Tell me, Miss Bennet, are your younger sisters out flirting yet?"
Elizabeth: "Yes Ma'am, all."
Lady Catherine: "ALL?!?"
Elizabeth: "It seems quite unfair, don't you think, that younger sisters should miss out on their share of flirting just because their older sisters are less successful flirts?"
Lady Catherine: "Well! You express your opinion quite decidedly for so young a person!"
Elizabeth: "Yes, well, these are progressive times. Not all of us were born in the stone age."

Mr. Darcy Comes to Rosings

Lady Catherine: "I am so glad you are all here. My nephews are coming to visit and it is always so lovely to have large parties."
Elizabeth: "Yes, I can see how you would enjoy them."
Lacy Catherine: "I have such wonderful relatives."


Mr. Darcy: "Good day Aunt. I am glad to see you in good health."
Lady Catherine: "Still carrying that light saber, I see. Never quite could grow up, eh boy?"
Colonel Fitzwilliam: "Let him be, Auntie. He is twice the gentleman of anyone else, even with that silly stick."
Mr. Darcy: "Watch what you say, Cousin, it's a pretty painful stick."


Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy seems very well pleased with himself today, Colonel Fitzwilliam."
Colonel Fitzwilliam: "Yes, I believe he is congratulating himself on preventing his friend from entering into a very unfortunate match."
Elizabeth: "Unfortunate! In what way?"
Fitzwilliam: "I believe there was some objection to the lady's family. She has some very silly sisters, it seems."
Elizabeth: "Who am I to argue with that?


Elizabeth: "How is your sister, Mr. Darcy? As proficient as ever on the piano?"
Mr. Darcy: "Yes, I believe she is. Is it true that you play, Miss Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth: "Only a little and very ill."
Lady Catherine (eavesdropping): "What's this? You play piano? Miss Bennet, I simply must hear you play!"


Colonel Fitzwilliam: "And how does my dear cousin behave outside his family circle, Miss Elizabeth?"
Elizabeth: "Are you sure you wish to hear? You may find yourself quite shocked."
Fitzwilliam: "Is that so? Darcy, what have you been up to?"
Elizabeth: "I first met Mr. Darcy at a ball where he danced only four dances although gentleman were scarce and more than one woman was required to sit out."
Fitzwilliam: "Scandalous!"
Darcy: "I have not the talent, as some do, of interacting easily with strangers."
Elizabeth: "My fingers do not move as easily across these piano keys as they could, but I have always thought that to be my own fault becaue I would not take the time to practice."
Fitzwilliam: "I think she's gotcha there, cuz."

Mr. Darcy's Proposal

Charlotte: "Are you sure you're alright? Should I stay with you?"
Elizabeth: "I'll be fine, it's just a small headache. Go, both of you, and enjoy your time at Rosings."


Elizabeth: "A knock at the door? Who can that be?"


Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy!"
Mr. Darcy: "I can't stand it any longer. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."
Elizabeth: "Your hand is gone!"
Mr. Darcy: "I didn't want to propse with a weapon in my hand, but they're stuck together."
Elizabeth: "Oh. You seem awfully short today."
Mr. Darcy: "Yes. Er, would you mind picking me up so that we could speak face to face about this?"
Elizabeth: "I guess so."


Mr. Darcy: "Ok, thanks. Now, I know it's totally beneath me and your family are all crackpots (yourself and Jane excluded) and my family will hate me for it and it's just in general a bad idea for everyone involved, but I have decided to let you marry me."
Elizabeth: "What?!"


Mr. Darcy: "Ouch! Why did you do that?!"
Elizabeth: "What gave you the idea that I even wanted to marry you? You said you love me, but securing your love has long been the farthest thing from my mind."
Mr. Darcy: "So you're refusing me?"
Elizabeth: "Uh, yeah!"


Mr. Darcy: "(thinking) Come on, light saber. (saying) "But why? Aren't I handsome and wonderful and rich and all the things women hope for in a man?"
Elizabeth: "Yeah, not to mention proud, rude, condescending and generally insulting to all those you come in contact with. I'll not even mention your conduct toward Jane and Mr. Bingley and poor Mr. Wickham. Plus, you've got a weapon stuck to your hand, which is generally creepy"
Mr. Darcy: "Bingley! Wickham!"


Mr. Darcy: "Fine! I will leave you now. Don't try to follow me! I've got my hand and my weapon back!"
Elizabeth: "Right, like I'd want to follow you."

Mr. Darcy's Letter

Elizabeth: "Ah that wretched man! He's got me all in a tizzy. Oh no- here he comes!"


Mr. Darcy: "I would appreciate it if you would do me the honor of reading this letter."
Elizabeth: "How does the light saber not burn it up?"
Mr. Darcy: "I have wondered that myself."


Mr. Darcy's Letter: Dear Miss Bennet, please rest assured that this letter does not contain any of the mushiness which you found so disgusting last night. I only wish to acquit myself of your accusations. First of all, Mr. Wickham. I know not what particular evil he has accused me of, but here is my side of the story. Wickham and I grew up together, as his father was my father's steward. We used to enjoy one another's company, but unfortunately what strength of character Mr. Wickham had soon began to vanish. When my father died and Wickham learned that he had been left a valuable living, he declined any interest in the church and wished to be compenstated accordingly with cash. This I did and then believed him to be out of my life permanently.


Sadly, I was mistaken. Wickham's worst offense came years later against my sister. He met her while she was on holiday near the sea and was able to deceive her into believing herself in love with him, even to consent to an elopement. His object was, undoubtedly, my sister's large fortune.


I was fortunate enough to discover their plan and threatened Wickham within an inch of his life (light sabers are good for that sort of thing).


My sister, who has always looked young for her age, was then only fifteen years old.


As for your sister and Bingley, my only defense is that, after careful observation, I truly believed her indifferent. If I had thought her truly in love with him, I could not have had an objection, but I did not want to see my friend in an unloving, generally bad match. I hope you cannot blame me for this. I will only add, God bless you. Fitzwilliam Darcy.

More Stuff Happens

Elizabeth: "I have returned! It is so good to see my own nutty family again! There are all sorts of craziness, but none so great as that of your own family."
Bennets: "Welcome home Lizzy!"


Lydia: "Oh, but Lizzy, we are all in terrible distress!"
Mary: "Well, you are."
Kitty: "Lizzy, the officers have gone! They have all gone to Brighton!"
Lydia: "There'll be nothing to do without our officers!"
Kitty and Lydia: "Whaaaaaaaaaahaaahaaa!"
Kitty: "Mightn't we go to Brighton, Papa?"
Lydia: "Oh, please, Papa?"
Mr. Bennet: "Absolutely not."


Lydia: "Wheeeee! I am the luckiest girl in the world!"
Kitty: "What? What is it?"
Lydia: "I have been invited to Brighton as Mrs. Forster's *particular* friend!"
Kitty: "It's not FAIR! *sob, sob*"


Elizabeth: "Honestly, Papa, you can't let her go! Don't you see she'll only make a fool of herself and of us?"
Mr. Bennet: "Nonsense. Lydia will never be happy until she has thoroughly exposed herself, and no other time will she be able to do it with so little inconvenience to us."
Elizabeth: "But there is more at stake here than only Lydia's reputation!"
Mr. Bennet: "Don't worry, Lizzy. Everything will be fine. Lydia will go and come back happy and no one will be worse for it."


Lydia (sing-songy): "I'm going to Brighton, I'm going to dance with the officers!"
Kitty: *weeping and wailing*

Lizzy and the Gardiners Take a Trip

Mrs. Gardiner: "Lizzy you simply must come with us when we go on our trip to the countryside. You look a bit peaked lately. The fresh air and change of scenery will do you some good."
Elizabeth: "I would love to come, for what are men to rocks and mountains!"
Mr. Gardiner: "When were we talking about men?"
Elizabeth: "I don't know, but doesn't that sound profound?"


"Merrily we roll along..."


"Roll along..."


"Roll along..."


All: "ooOOOOooo"
Elizabeth: "Whose house is that?"
Mrs. Gardiner: "Don't you know? That's Pemberly, Mr. Darcy's house."
Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy?!"
Mr. Gardiner: "Yes, certainly. Shall we inquire to the housekeeper about a tour?"
Elizabeth: "But- is the family at home?"
Mrs. Gardiner: "Oh, certainly not this time of year."
Elizabeth: "Well, I guess that would be okay."


Housekeeper: "And this was Mrs. Darcy's favorite room. Shall I take you to the gallery? There are some lovely paintings of my master in there. He's such a good guy. Not only tall, dark and handsome, but so good and gentle and generous. Not another like him in all the world."
Mrs. Gardiner (to Lizzy): "This is not at all like the report we heard of him. What do you make of it, Lizzy?"
Elizabeth: "Perhaps we were deceived."
Mrs. Gardiner: "Yes, perhaps."


Housekeeper: "And there is my master. Is he not a fine-looking young man?"
Elizabeth: "He certainly is."
Mrs. Gardiner: "But who is that other fellow? He looks familiar."
Housekeeper: "That? Oh, that is Mr. Wickham. He was a particular favorite of the elder Mr. Darcy, but he has turned out to be very wild indeed. A sad story, his is."
Mrs. Gardiner: "Here again, we hear such different reports!"


Elizabeth: "Thank you for the tour. This house will always have a special place in my heart."
Housekeeper: "You are most welcome."
Mrs. Gardiner: "Let's walk back to the carraige now."


Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy!"
Mr. Darcy (at the sametime): "Miss Elizabeth!"

Mr. Darcy- Take Two (Enter Georgiana)

Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth! How long have you been in this part of the country? I mean- how are you? How is your family?"
Elizabeth: "We are all quite well, thank you. I am touring the country with my aunt and uncle, Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner."
Mr. Darcy: "Excellent. I hope you are having a pleasant trip. And your family are quite well?"
Elizabeth: "Yes, quite well."
Mr. Darcy: "Good. That's good. Excuse me."


Elizabeth: "Oh what he must think of me! I am such a fool for even coming here! We must leave immediately!"
Mrs. Gardiner: "Elizabeth, dear, when did you begin to care what Mr. Darcy thinks of you? But certainly, we shall leave directly."
Elizabeth: "Oh, I don't know, I don't know!"


Mr. Darcy: "Elizabeth, wait! *ahem* Wait! Please, I apologize for my abruptness. Have you been given a proper tour around the lake?"
Elizabeth: "No, I'm sorry, we have not seen the lake. But I'm afriad we must be going-"
Mr. Gardiner: "Nonsense, we have all the time in the world! Lead on, Mr. Darcy!"


Mr. Darcy: "Mr. Gardiner, do you enjoy fishing?"
Mr. Gardiner: "Well, er, I mean, I suppose. I don't eat much meat, though. I'm rather a vegetarian."
Mr. Darcy: "Ah yes, of course. How silly of me. I have a lovely carrot patch just over that hill yonder. You are welcome to enjoy my carrots any time you wish."
Mr. Gardiner: "Why thank you! What a capital fellow!"
Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth, there is one among the party just arrived at Pemberly who especailly wishes to meet you. May I have the pleasure of introducing you to my sister, Georgiana?"
Elizabeth: "Yes, I would like that very much."


Elizabeth: "Georgiana, it is such a pleasure to meet you. I have heard so many good things about you! I understand you are quite an accomplished pianist."
Georgiana: "Thank you, Miss Elizabeth. My brother is too kind in his appraisal of me. I cannot play half as well as he says *you* play."
Elizabeth: "Me? Why I don't know where your brother gets such ideas."
Georgiana: "My brother is never wrong."


Mr. Darcy: "Miss Bennet, Mr and Mrs Gardiner, my sister and I were wondering if you would care to dine with us at Pemberly while you are here. Would tomorrow evening be alright?"
Mr. Gardiner: "Certainly, good sir! We would love to dine with you and your lovely sister!"
Mr. Darcy: "Excellent! I shall have an especially grand carrot dish prepared for you, sir."
Mr. Gardiner: "Capital!"

Lizzy Gets Bad News

Elizabeth: "Aunt, would you mind terribly if I stayed behind? I haven't had a letter from Jane in weeks and I would really like to read this one."
Mrs. Gardiner: "No problem. Mr. Gardiner and I will walk to the church and check back for you in an hour."
Elizabeth: "Thank you."


Dear Lizzy, I'm afraid I have bad news. Do not be alarmed; we are all well. It is only Lydia's foolishness. In her thoughtlessness she has eloped, has thrown herself into the mercy, of Mr. Wickham. We had at first thought they had gone to Scotland, but now we fear that they are not married at all and are instead hiding in London. Our father has gone to town to look for them and he sends word for our Uncle Garniner to meet him there as soon as possible. Our mother is quite beside herself with worry. Please, Lizzy, come home as soon as you are able. Your dear sister, Jane.


Elizabeth: "Of course! Of course we must leave at once. Aunt! Uncle!"


Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy!"
Mr. Darcy: "Miss Bennet! Elizabeth, are you alright? You look distressed. How can I- Is there anything I can do?"
Elizabeth: "I must find my aunt and uncle right away."
Mr. Darcy: "Yes, certainly."


Mr. Darcy: "Miss Elizabeth, please, what happened?"
Elizabeth: "It's Lydia. She has run off with Mr. Wickham. They are hiding in London. Oh, Mr. Darcy, what am I to do?"
Mr. Darcy: "I knew I should have lopped his head off while I had the chance! What is being done to find him?"
Elizabeth: "My father has gone to London and requests that my uncle meet him there as soon as possible."
Mr. Darcy: "I fear you have long been desiring my absence. I will send you aunt and uncle this way if I see them."


Elizabeth: "Aunt! Uncle! Oh what a mess this is! Oh what he must think of me now. Oh dear, oh dear!"
Mrs. Gardiner: "Don't worry, dear, your uncle will take care of everything. Let's back up and go home."

What Lizzy Learns

Jane: "Dear Lizzy, I am so glad you are home! Our mother's nerves are threatening to overwhelm her."
Elizabeth: "I will see her as soon as I bring my things in."


Jane: "Uncle, you will meet my father in London, won't you?"
Mr. Gardiner: "Don't you worry, Jane. I know London like the back of my hand. If they are there, we will find them."


Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Lizzy! I am so glad you are come home! Of course your uncle Gardiner will find my Lydia. For who else should it be? Who else but her own family? Oooh girls! My nerves... such flutterings and spasms all over me! Oh- Jane! My smelling salts! Ooohhhh!"
Elizabeth: "Mama, calm yourself! Papa and Uncle Gardiner have everything under control."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh, but you must tell your uncle to find your father and make sure he does not fight Mr. Wickham! I am so afraid they will duel and Wickham will kill my poor husband and then those Collinses will come and turn us out in the cold. Ooooh Jane! Oooo Lizzy!"


Jane: "Elizabeth, how was your trip? Aunt Gardiner said you ran into Mr. Darcy! Was it very horrible?"
Elizabeth: "Oh Jane, don't worry about that now. I am very sure that none of us will ever see Mr. Darcy or his light saber ever again."

What Mr. Darcy Did

Mr. Bennet: "I've just had a letter from Mr. Gardiner. He has found Lydia and Wickham and they are married."
Mrs. Bennet: "Ooh, my Lydia! I always knew she would marry well! I'm so proud of her! And Wickham for a son! I couldn't be happier."
Elizabeth: "Mama, please! Don't you realize that Lydia has still greatly disgraced herself and us?"
Mrs. Bennet: "Lizzy, how can you think of something so droll as that when dear Lydia is married!"


Jane: "Papa, what is it? What are you not telling us?"
Mr. Bennet: "I can't imagine what your uncle must have done to get Wickham to marry Lydia. He agreed for so small a price on my part... Gardiner must have paid him a fortune. How am I ever to repay him?"


Lydia: "Oh Lizzy, if only you could have been there! It would have been a lovely wedding, except so few people were there! Just the two of us and Aunt and Uncle Gardiner and that horrid Mr. Darcy."
Elizabeth: "Mr. Dacry?! Why was Mr. Darcy at your wedding?"
Lydia: "Oh, but I forgot! It was supposed to be such a secret! No one was supposed to know! My goodness, Lizzy, you musn't tell anyone."


Dear Aunt Gardiner, Lydia let something slip yesterday and I just cannot rest until it is explained to me. Please, how is it that Mr. Darcy of all people came to be at her wedding?


My Dear Lizzy, If you are indeed in the dark about Mr. Darcy's involvement, let me enlighten you immediately. Darcy came to meet my husband shortly after we arrived home in London. He told us that with his connections, he could discover Wickham's whereabouts with little difficulty. He succeeded in doing this, but did not stop there. He went on to provide a handsome sum to Wickham as Lydia's dowry to pay for the entire wedding. Nothing would be done that he did not do himself, leaving your uncle to do nothing but take credit for Darcy's generosity. Lizzy, I am afraid we were all completely deceived in our original judgements of Mr. Darcy. He is indeed the very best sort of man. Even with his light saber obcession.


Elizabeth: "Oh my goodness!"

Mr. Bingley's Return

Family: "Hum dee dum dum dum."
Kitty: "Look- out the window! Mr. Bingley is back! Oh, but he has that other fellow with him. What was his name? The proud disagreeable fellow with the light saber."
Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy?"
Kitty: "Yes, I think that's right."
Mrs. Bennet: "Mr. Darcy! What was Bingley thinking bringing around a disagreeable man like that? I'm always afraid he's going to lop someone's head off with that glowing stick thing. He's never going to get married if he keeps carrying that thing around! But- if our Bingley likes him, then we shall be absolutely civil to him. That's right! Absolutely civil."


Elizabeth: "Jane, dear, are you going to be alright?"
Jane: "Yes, Lizzy, I think so. I do not fear my own feelings, only what others would expect of me."
Elizabeth: "Then you do not love him anymore?"
Jane: "I-"
Door opens...


Mrs. Bennet: "Oooh! Mr. Bingley! How good it is to see you again. We had all begun to despair that you were never to set foot at Netherfield again! But of course, I never doubted you. I knew you would come back! Did I not say so often, Lizzy? Yes, I said, he will come back and when he does he will be most welcome to come to Longbourne as often as he pleases! Ooh yes. *pause* Mr. Darcy. Of course you are always welcome too."
Mr. Bingley:"I'm so glad I am able to return. It is so lovely here."
Mrs. Bennet: "Yes it certainly is! Especially with my Jane here, don't you think?"
Mr. Bingly: "Yes indeed. Mrs. Bennet, might I have a moment alone with Jane?"
Mrs. Bennet: "But of course! Everyone, out! Out! Take your time Mr. Bingley."


Mr. Bingley: "Miss Bennet, I wonder if I might, um, that is, I wonder if you would, uh, well, see..."
Jane: "Yes?"
Mr. Bingley kneels: "Miss Bennet, I wonder if you would do me the honor of sharing my trophy with me... that is... will you marry me?"
Jane: "Of course! Yes! Yes! ...Can I hold the flag too?"


Mrs. Bennet: "Ooh Jane! Ooh Bingley! I am so happy! Two daughters married! And one quite wealthy! Oh it is a situation most devoutly to be wished! Congratulations my dear."
Jane: "Mr. Bingley, are you quite certian you want to marry me and with the risk of living with a mother-in-law like that?"
Bingley: "It is quite alright my dear. I'm already looking into purchasing an estate quite a distance from Longbourne."
Jane: "Excellent."

Lady Catherine Visits

Mary: "La dee da dee da dee da dee daaaaa, la de daaaa, la de daaaa..."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh Mary can't you sit quietly for five minutes together together?! Have some compassion for my poor nerves!"
Mary: "But it's the *think system*! I have to do this all day!"


Kitty: "Look! Oh come quickly for there is such a sight to be seen! Look at the carriage!"
Elizabeth: "It's Lady Catherine!"


Lady Catherine: "Hello Miss Bennet. What a small house you have."
Elizabeth: "Lady Catherine-"
Lady Catherine: "And these, I suppose, are your family. How very short they all are."
Elizabeth: "Your Ladyship-"
Lady Catherine: "This must be a most inconvenient sitting room in the summer. The windows are full west!"
Elizabeth: "Yes but-"
Lady Catherine: "There seems to be a prettyish sort of little wilderness on one side of your park, Miss Bennet. I wonder if you would take a turn about it with me."


Lady Catherine: "Let me state myself plainly: Not only are you poor and ugly, but your family completely lack any form of good breeding. Your sisters are silly, one of them is a loose woman, your mother is a fool, and your father has absolutely no connections. You are too opinionated. You do not deserve to walk the good green earth. What the heck are you doing becoming engaged to my nephew?!"
Elizabeth: "Your Ladyship, I do not know where you hear such rumors, but your nephew and I have no formal attachment."
Lady Catherine: "Reeeeeeally. And will you promise never to enter into such an arrangement?"
Elizabeth: "I will do no such thing."
Lady Catherine: "Selfish, headstrong girl! No good will come of this, you will see. Goodbye! I take no leave of you and send no compliments to your mother. Shame!"


Elizabeth: "Uh, goodbye. Oh my. This is most perplexing."

Reconciliation

Kitty: "Look, here come Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy again."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh girls! Oh Mr. Bingley! Hooray!"


Mr. Bingley: "Miss Bennet, I wonder if you and your sisters might like to go for a stroll about the countryside with Darcy and myself."
Mrs. Bennet: "Oh what a lovely idea! Of course they would!"
Mary: "My time is much better spent practicing, thank you."
Jane: "The rest of us will go with you."


Kitty: "Lizzy, would it be alright if I stopped here to call on Maria Lucas?"
Elizabeth: "Yes, I suppose that would be alright."


Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy, you must allow me to thank you on behalf of my family for what you did for Lydia. If they only knew how indebted we are to you..."
Mr. Darcy: "Please... If you thank me let it be for yourself only. I believe I thought only of you."
Pause
Elizabeth: "We should catch up with Jane and Mr. Bingley."
Mr. Darcy: "No, let them go on ahead."


Mr. Darcy: "My aunt paid me a visit while she was here, shortly after her visit to you, I believe."
Elizabeth: "Mr. Darcy-"
Mr. Darcy: "It taught me to hope as I never dared to hope before. If your feelings are what they were last April, let me know at once. My feelings and wishes are unchanged."
Elizabeth: "I... Mr. Darcy, my feelings are so much different from what they were then that... I believe they are now quite the opposite."


Elizabeth: "But there is one thing."
Mr. Darcy: "What's that?"
Elizabeth: "I... don't think I could ever marry someone who carries a light saber. It's just a little freaky. I mean, your general gentlemanly charm is overpowering, but the creapy glowing weapon kind of cancels it out."
Mr. Darcy: "I've carried this since I was a boy. It was a gift from my father. He told me to use it to keep Wickham in line. I guess I don't really need it anymore. Just the thought of me strikes fear in the heart of Mr. Wickham now."


Elizabeth: "You mean you would give it up for me?"
Mr. Darcy: "I would do anything for you, Miss Elizabeth."
Elizabeth: "Oh Fitzy! May I call you Fitzy?"

Happily Ever After

Invisible Preacher: "We are gathered together today in the sight of God to... et cetera, et cetera... 'I do,' 'I do'... et cetera, et cetera... I now pronounce you men and wifes!"
Everyone: "Yaaaaay!"


Mr. Bingley: "I love you, Jane."
Jane: "I love you, ... uh... Mr. Bingley. What's your first name?"
Jane smiles.
Mr. Darcy: "I love you, Elizabeth."
Elizabeth: "I love you Fitzy."
Elizabeth laughs.

AND THEY ALL LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER!


Blue Barbie: "Awwww!!!"
Pink Barbie: "That's so cute! Let's watch it again!"
Blue Barbie: "Mr. Darcy! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Pink Barbie: "*sigh*"
White Barbie: "*yawn* What!? What happened? What did I miss?"

THE END